I suppose everyone has a beginning, all beginnings though, from what I have learned have one thing in common. They all start with tears.

I can still remember the story now, as my nursemaid tossed me down into the corner and nearly ripped the hair from my head as she began to plait it for yet another ceremony, "Chess'afae", she said, "We don't want to hurt you, Well, You deserve it, Can't you see?” she always asked me that, "Can't you see?” I never could though, the difference was this time she spoke further, a softly hushed yet brittle tone to her voice,"Chess'afae You are not like us. Sure, You may look like us, speak our tongue, practice the rites and even have favor in the eye of the goddess, but you..." she said almost as if glancing upon a half digested carcass, "You are a freak, an abomination. Child we are not the only ones who live in these dark depths. There are those that flay the minds of all they encounter, Feeding off their minds and their very essences. This energy seems to flux though, and it washes over our cities, in this cycle there are many stillbirths. But once in a great while one survives. And now, we have you."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It made no sense to me, what was mind flaying? What did it have to do with me? Why was I different? Of course she would share this new insight with me. If only to be cruel. Such was our way.

"Have you never wondered why people look at you differently? Why you are sickened by so much of what we enjoy? You would have been killed long ago but fate seems to be on your side.” she laughed darkly then and snapped my head around to face hers. I remember her cold skin against mine and those cold eyes peering right into mine as her last words echoed through my being, "You will not survive".

The tears burned hot in their ducts, though I dared not let them show.

I of course did survive. There seemed to always be an accident in my favor, a servant sneaking up behind me once knocked over an urn, the creature inside quickly rose up to devour her. Another time I was being chased, I had nowhere to run and my assailant tripped on a wet cobblestone and plunged the dagger deep into his own heart. Serendipity seemed to always keep me safe. This served to make others blame and hate me even more.

When I came of age some very long, hard years later. I was sent as an emissary of sorts to the other houses. They would point and mock. I soon became used to it. All those cold eyes, I can feel them even now as I pen this account. They were everywhere.

It was returning to the noble house of my family after one of these duty sessions, that my life changed forever. I sat quietly in the dismal light of the carriage, my cloak pulled tightly around me. As always I was lost deep in thought. Trying to make sense of my existence. And all the things that made me different yet which I never quite grasped. It was almost as if people would run in turn away, gossip and show contempt, but never were they willing to explain why.

I felt a tug and the edge of my cloak and thought nothing of it. I felt a hand upon my thigh, moving places I did not wish it to go. I looked up to meet the gaze of two dark yet burning eyes, their surreal impression upon me overshadowed only by the pouting lips pulled back to reveal a sick and sinister smile.

The next thing I can recall was a thump and looking down to see the still hooded head roll onto the floor of the cabin, the feelings of dread that washed through me were only compounded by the slowness of time as I watched my blood stained dagger fall from my own hand, clattering to the floor to land next to the head which had rolled over to stare at me. The sinister smile replaced by an innocent, almost angelic smile of one that could not have been much older than myself.

I yelled for help and it did not come, it hit me for a moment that screams such as mine must be all too common coming from the backs of carriages.

I stood and threw myself out the door without a moment's hesitation, barely skinning by my knee. For a moment I cursed my resiliency: once again I was saved. I stood and began to run, I had never moved so fast in my life. I had no idea where I was running. But my head swam with fear and self-loathing. I knew I just had to get out or that head would follow me.

I made it out of my city, I know not how long or far I ran. But I know there came a time when I began to feel the burden lifted from me. It was during this period I came across a small camp of travelers. As they slept I would steal what meager food I could get my hands on. So many items I had never seen. I took to following them, listening to them. Soon I found myself understanding their words. During one such observation period, I learned there were people who followed gods who only did good! Oh how my heart sang! I thought I had found my salvation at last.

For days I would follow these bands, watched silently as they struck down the vilest of foes with only their faith. I was in awe! There came I day when I dared to think myself worthy. I took into my possession on of their holy relics, and I swore myself to fight grand battles as they did. I vowed to strike down all minions of evil, especially those who flayed the minds of others, who had cursed me with deleted strange talents I had barely begun to grasp. And to take special pleasure in sending to my god the spirits of the cursed, those who sought to extend their life in ways most vile.

I fought with honor and vigor for so many years; the beauty of that evil never tore me. I was enchanted. Swayed by their temples and their claims of holiness. There came though, even after all this, my final battle, after which my cudgel would no longer gleam. Or my cloaks sway softly in the dying wind from a mound of rapidly decaying foes as I stood upon their worthless bones.

I entered a dark hall, it was nothing new. This time though I could sense only one vile being in the room with me. I dropped and rolled to the side of the room. Still, no movement. I rushed at the chair and swung it around, I staggered back and lost my footing at the horrific site before me; that head from my nightmares, stared up at me with its cold yet angelic features. A dark laughter all I felt as a cold, such a cold it reached into my very body and seemed to lift me from the ground. I knew I had made a mistake, and I was going to pay. 

Cold icy digits seemed to wind their way round all my limbs, ripping my armor and garments from me as some teasing wounds started to appear on my flesh. I could feel myself moving, but it was as if I was trapped inside a black womb, my mind told me sound was so futile, why cry out? My body hung there limp. And soon I could not think at all. I simply let myself sink. It just seemed better that way .

I awoke with a swollen face and body. Bones on the verge of breaking. It seemed like even my marrow hurt. I felt around on my hands and knees for some form of covering. And hastily wrapped myself in a heavy burlap sheet I had found and then recoiled from the stench of a half rotted corpse that grotesquely hung half out of a dunny pit. I tried to take it before finally giving up and tossing the fabric back into place. I crept into a corner; At least nothing would come at me from behind.

I neither saw nor heard from anyone for days, I am sure one can imagine what things I was reduced to. I thought I would merely be left to die. It would come soon enough without water.

But no, night after night my mind was tortured by strange manifestations, I would awake to find new bruises and lash marks upon me.

Oh at last I knew that strange fates work both ways. It seemed at last all that luck which had protected me had run out.

I was sent for, carried almost tenderly after being wrapped in a soft velvet cover to a large, darkly decorated sitting room. I thought for a moment perhaps the manor had been vacated and I was to be released. This proved to be a poor assumption.

A dark entity washed over me and I fell to my knees. It spoke such words of praise and beauty and filled me with such knowledge, all of which I was forbidden to know by my oaths.

At last I thought it was all over, I was brought to my feet and forced to drink from a small vial, I thought how precious, after all this time, being denied the acceptance of my people, I was to die by poison. Instead I was healed. As I stood there perplexed and utterly confused, an invisible assailant was upon me and slicing open my vital areas. I screamed out and beat at my assailant, but this seemed to only motivate his passions.

Then he stopped.

I felt a cup being pressed to my lips, its contents cold and seemingly spiced as it was poured down my throat. This time I thought indeed, it was poison. For o god how it burnt! My insides were fire! I felt like my skin was melting from my body, I waited for the darkness to take me.

Instead light reached out for me, so warm and inviting, At last! I had been found worthy! My god was here to save me! Instead I found myself under only a cold, unfeeling glare. Words sounded deep within me, and in an instant I knew peace was not to be mine. For that was no poison, not truly, that I had taken into me. It was the essence of a cursed creature, the very sort I had spent the majority of my life fighting against. In that instant of revelation I knew, a new form of brittle hard reality, my god had forsaken me.

I left that moment of despair only to find myself at the gate of the manor, naked, cold, covered in filth I did not want to imagine. I was tossed into a carriage and driven deep into the caverns and cast out once more.

I remember not where I wandered, I only remember trying to force all this from my head. Finally coming to rest under the small trickle of water from a stalactite. I slept then, and for days it seemed. When I awoke I was in a strange new city. 

God the differences, I came to know purpose. And through that purpose, slowly, but ever there, the darkness began to surface. Even my dreams were not to be free of nightmares.

Though as the darkened nights grow near, so many memories are recalled. I always wondered, when so many came to Asmodan, why he took me aside and taught me. I was insignificant, a no one. 

And so many were more than willing to bow down. 

The chants and jeers. 

The women throwing themselves at his feet when their lovers left their sides. 

I remember all the secret meetings and plots, I remember everyone that was there like some sadistic casting list. I see so much now; so much of what he taught me, showed me, how our stories were so close, though I never understood at the time. Perhaps it is because I have only now come to be able to recall my past, all that time spent as the pale skinned little girl. Without a care in the dream. 

And now, well now I understand what I am. And what is to come.